Toxicity in Therapist Facebook Groups
If you’re in private practice, or even if you just want to stay up to date on the field, you’re probably a member of at least one therapist Facebook group. I’m in a few, including a local one and a few specialized ones. I don’t scroll on Facebook anymore, but occasionally I see a post I can help with, or need to ask a question to one of these groups. And every time I do, I hold my breath and hope it wasn’t a huge mistake.
I’ve noticed that while these groups can be useful sources of support and information, they can also get pretty ugly. Responses to questions can range from helpful, to useless, to passive-aggressive, to downright rude. Given that everyone in these groups is trained to help people with difficult emotions and personal issues, it’s disappointing that they can’t seem to manage their own. I want to shed light on this problem, because it seems to be worsening. Here are the main things I’ve noticed:
People in these groups often don’t conduct themselves professionally or civilly.
This is my biggest complaint about these groups. There is so much hypocrisy and hostility, seemingly left unchecked by admins. I’ve seen people ask honest questions, which get responses like “Good luck keeping your license”, or “Um if you can’t check your bias at the door I’m happy to help with that”. I want to honestly ask these folks, “Wow, is this how you talk to people?” Because in real life, away from the safety of their phone screen, I bet it’s not. And if you wouldn’t do it in real life, why do it online?
There are also plenty of people who write snarky paragraphs with phrases like “it’s giving ____”, or “I said what I said”, or a snippy comment with a sarcastic winky face emoji. I know that internet speak is a thing, but in a serious/unironic context like this, it makes me cringe. This isn’t the place to speak like a 15 year old fighting with their best friend on Instagram… we have Master’s degrees. Please.
The hypocrisy of behaving this way while lecturing someone else about unprofessionalism is ridiculous. I think that people either a) are insecure and have found a scapegoat to feel superior to, or b) actually feel superior to others and flaunt it behind their keyboard for a power trip. We don’t think of therapists as people who would do that, but unfortunately some of them do.
Post hijacking. Constantly.
People come in with their own question about the original post, or another issue, which inevitably starts its own thread and derails the focus from the original post. Or someone starts a conversation with one of the other commenters (“Hey so-and-so, are you accepting new clients?!”) This has happened to me before, and usually ends with me not getting the answers I need.
For example - you ask a question about how to explain EMDR to clients. Someone comments about their health issues making them not a good candidate for EMDR. Someone else suggests alternative methods they could use. Before you know it, everyone is chiming in about their personal experiences or opinions about EMDR and whether it’s bullshit. What was my question again?
OR Completely misreading or not reading the post at all, offering off-topic or illegible responses.
Alternatively, sometimes people just… don’t read. They ask for information that is clearly in your post. They give their answer based on what they think in general, ignoring what you were specifically asking. Your simple question turns into a debate about unrelated things, complete with people posting replies that are just gifs, or comments that just say “LOL”. It goes from a clinical discussion to a meme sharing/random venting forum real quick.
Everything is unethical, apparently.
People will REACH on this topic. Feeling burnt out? Unethical. Raising your fees? Unethical. Not sure what to do with a client? Unethical. Said something a client didn’t like? Unethical. Curious about the validity of self-diagnosis? Unethical. Struggling at your job? Yep, you must be behaving unethically!
I’ve seen people immediately make wild assumptions and jump to the worst possible conclusion, when someone is simply asking a question. They have no context, but give the person no credit and absolutely no grace. What’s worse is when the person admits that they need support and guidance because they don’t know something, and then they’re chastised for not knowing it. What do you want them to do?!
It frustrates me when people are clearly coming from a place of vulnerability, but are attacked. Or worse, met with passive-aggression thinly veiled in therapist speak. You may have seen this before - judgy comments written in clinical language, so that it almost sounds professional. But it’s not. To me, using therapeutic language to shame or guilt someone is an egregious uses of our skills. Who’s behaving unethically now?
Replying to requests for referrals when they meet little to none of the criteria
You’ve probably seen memes about this.
“Seeking in person therapy/EMDR for adult with anxiety and PTSD, Medicaid insurance.”
“I’m virtual and self pay only, and I don’t do EMDR, but I have immediate openings!”
I don’t need to explain why this one is annoying. But it’s so common! Sifting through unhelpful referrals to find the viable ones is a waste of everyone’s time. If you don’t meet the criteria, just sit this one out. You’ll find clients some other time, I promise.
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If this gives you pause about Facebook groups, I don’t blame you. I’ve thought many times about hitting ‘Leave Group’, or at least muting/unfollowing. But being in solo private practice can be isolating, and it’s helpful to have people to ask questions or get referrals from. Which is why it’s even more frustrating when our attempts for connection are met with judgment or hostility.
If you feel the urge to engage in a Facebook argument, or write a nasty comment, here are some suggestions/alternatives:
Write a clear, brief reply instead of a paragraph.
Use language that wouldn’t embarrass you if your clients, supervisor, or someone you admire saw it.
Reach out to the person privately, rather than being publicly messy.
Just don’t say anything at all. Even if you know you’re right. Even if you don’t get the last word. Go do literally anything else.
My general rule is to not engage with people that are committed to misunderstanding you. They don’t want to be educated, or have an intelligent discussion - they want to fight to be right. I personally don’t care to get into a social media argument with Facebook Karen, LCSW. But there have been a couple times where it was so bad that I felt like I needed to step in and offer an alternate perspective. To be honest though, I’m probably going to stop doing that too. My desire for justice is strong, but my need to channel it in a productive way is stronger.
So on point!