Self-Regulating While Regulating Others
Your brain is not a machine, and neither are you.
The reality of being a therapist is that anything our clients experience, we can experience too. We are not exempt from life’s hardships, or from having our own mental health struggles. Our training and experience can help us move through tough things, but it cannot shield us completely. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, having our own flaws, issues, conflicts, and struggles while helping others with theirs. We experience losses, fights, anger, sadness, breakups, stress, insecurities, family conflicts, and uncertainty just as others do. And then, we shove all that into a compartment somewhere in our mind to make space for those things with dozens of others. It’s part of the gig, but sometimes, it can feel weird - or even inauthentic. I think this is a big contributor to impostor syndrome, and a relevant factor with burnout as well.
I’ve written about this topic before, but I wanted to offer a reminder as we head into winter. We’ve all got something to cope with in this life, and it’s important to make space to do so. This one isn’t going to be long, and I’m not suggesting any earth-shattering solutions. (And frankly, anyone who claims to have the answer or the cure is full of it.) But I can offer small, realistic truths to help you shift in whatever way you can. So if you’re going through it right now (whatever “it” may be), read on. Feel free to take what you need from here, and leave the rest.
Cope in your own way.
How we cope with challenges is so personal and individualized. There are probably a few ways of coping that are objectively unhealthy… but otherwise, do what works for you. What helps someone else feel better might stress you out to no end. And what helps you feel better might look strange or unsatisfying to someone else. So try not to compare. Look to others for inspiration, but try to avoid feeling like you “should” be doing something different, or coping “better”. Your best is good enough, and it may be all that you have energy for.
Focus on what you CAN control - no matter how small.
It’s a therapy classic, but a favorite of mine: Draw a circle on a piece of paper. On the outside, write all the things outside of your control. And on the inside, start brainstorming things you can control. Even if they’re small. Even if the things on the outside are way bigger and scarier. It may not be much, but there is always something within your control. How you spend your time/energy outside of work… they ways you take care of your mind & body… what you talk about in your personal time… what media/social media you consume, and how much… the direction you take your therapy practice… I know it’s hard to believe, but the list goes on. And it can serve as a helpful reminder when your mind skews hard into the negative.
Prioritize the basics.
Sleep. Food. Water. Shelter. Medicine. Physical comfort. Financial security. Make sure, at the very least, that your bare minimum needs are met. (And the needs of anyone who directly depends on you for survival, of course). THEN you can start thinking about more complex needs, or things that extend beyond yourself. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is an old cliche, but there’s a lot of truth to it. Try not to skip steps on that pyramid - without a foundation, we don’t have much to stand on while helping others.
Balance connection with turning inward.
It may be tempting to ghost the world when you’re feeling overwhelmed. If done strategically and in moderation, sometimes this can be okay. Take a 30 day social media break - or longer, if you want. Use the cooler weather as an excuse to turn toward cozy hobbies, or relaxing activities that comfort you. Just be careful that your self care time does not become unhealthy isolation. People need people - even if it’s just a few of them. You can be selective, and ration your energy, but don’t take it to the extreme.
On the flip side, others might turn the opposite way. You may become more locked in than ever - posting and reposting online, scrolling for hours on end, allowing your every thought to dominate every interaction without filter or intention. It might come from seeking an outlet to vent, or a source to take our unpleasant emotions out on. Or it may stem from seeking a level of reassurance or relief that is simply not achievable right now - but we keep trying anyway. Again… moderation is key. Seek support, express your thoughts and feelings… but give that nervous system a break once in awhile. Your brain needs you to. Even if it’s not much, please do something to nurture that ridiculous organ that contains our entire being and keeps us alive.
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All of this may sound a bit simplistic, but this stuff works. And honestly, promising you anything more extreme than this would be disingenuous. The fact is, sometimes things just suck for awhile. Sometimes things are just going to feel shitty. We can mitigate the feeling or cope with that feeling, but we can’t always get rid of it. That’s why I’m suggesting to be realistic - which no one likes, but is usually the best option. Remember - your brain is not a machine. It’s a living thing that needs to be cared for, and depends on you to do it. Your brain is not a machine, and therefore, neither are you.
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