Self-Disclosure: Faux Pas or Useful Tool?
If your graduate program was anything like mine, you probably got a ton of messages about self-disclosure with clients. Messages like:
“Self-disclosure is a sign of inappropriate boundaries.”
“Self-disclosure is unprofessional.”
“Self disclosure should be avoided at all costs because IT WILL HARM CLIENTS AND YOU WILL GET SUED AND LOSE YOUR LICENSE!”
As a grad student/intern, what else is there to do but internalize these messages? You’re so concerned about being a ‘good’ therapist, and doing the ‘right’ thing, that it’s hard not to take these warnings at face value. But the more work you do in this field, you may realize that (shockingly) it’s not so black and white.
Yes, it’s important to have boundaries when it comes to you and your clients. You don’t want to share too much personal information to the point where it could distract from therapy, make it about you, or make either one of you feel uncomfortable. But the idea that sharing anything about ourselves or our experiences could cause harm, leaves so much on the table. A huge part of therapy is building a relationship with your clients. A professional one, yes, but also a relatable one. Rapport is based on trust. And sometimes, it’s easier to trust people when we know that they’re human. When we know that they see us - not just based on what they learned in school, but maybe because they too know that pain.
If your approach to therapy is super clinical and formal, there is definitely an audience for that. And in that case, you don’t have to self-disclose. That’s fine! But if you take a more casual or progressive approach to therapy, I want you to know that it’s okay to do so. In fact, if done intentionally and with care, it can actually be beneficial.
Some questions to ask before self-disclosing:
Am I saying this for myself, or for the benefit of the client?
How will this benefit the client in this moment?
Is what I’m saying relevant to the conversation/issue at hand?
How can I say this in a way that does not make the session about me? How can I make this remark and THEN bring the focus back to the client?
(You may also check in with the client before doing so - i.e. “Is it okay if I share something with you?” or “Would you mind if I self-disclose a little here? I think it might help.”)
These usually help me when I’m figuring out what to share, how to say it, or whether to say it at all. Do I get it perfect every time? Nope. But has it been helpful in general? Absolutely. There’ve been many times where a little self-disclosure has led to great things with clients - a sigh of relief that they’re not crazy/not alone, a moment of joy at a new perspective, or shared laughter at a common experience. It’s so cool to see, and so uniquely healing. There’s something powerful about your client knowing that your advice comes from an authentic, personal place - not just from a book.
I’m not suggesting we go around talking to clients about our sex lives in detail, or venting about our latest panic attack, or spend 30 minutes monologuing about our own problems. But it would be obtuse to assume that this is what self-disclosure looks like. What I’m suggesting is sharing condensed bits and pieces of your life and yourself, when it is clinically relevant AND beneficial to the client. That’s all.
Now, if clients ASK you things about yourself, this is a little different. Because in this case, self-disclosing isn’t your idea - it’s theirs. You’re being invited to share something about yourself. In this case, it’s okay to be selective, vague, or even decline to share. Sometimes it may be simple (i.e. “Have you ever been depressed?”), but other times it might require a pause (i.e. “Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do?”). Even then, though, I think responding in a human way carries more weight than some robotic “Why might it be important for you to know that?” or “I’m curious why you’re asking me that?” You may have to resort to these deflections in more complex situations, such as when working with folks with porous boundaries or personality disorders. But in general, if you have good rapport and healthy boundaries with someone, there is space to be human (and even a little vulnerable) in that relationship.
Contrary to what you may have been taught, nothing will burst into flames if you self-disclose. It’s not a fast track to a lawsuit and a revoked license. In fact, when used appropriately, self-disclosure can be a therapeutic tool. There is still so much debate about this, and plenty of self-righteous folks online who claim that they NEVER self-disclose and that anyone who does MUST be practicing “uNeThiCaLLy”. But like it or not, times are changing. The way we do therapy is changing - as it should. People evolve, therefore how we counsel people must also evolve. We all know where our field started, and it was pretty abysmal. What we have now is way better - and ideally will continue to get better, if we allow space for the unfamiliar.
Thank you for supporting the Authentic Therapist’s Guide! If you have a minute to provide some feedback, please complete my 5-question survey here:
For more offerings and resources, check out the links below: