Is Being A Therapist Who You Are, or What You Do?
I have seen varied perspectives on this question over the years. It could be asked about any career, in theory, but it’s one that comes up more often for those in the mental health field. I’m not here to tell you which is right, because they are both fine ways to be. It’s completely up to you. However, I tend to notice that one of these is more normalized than the other. So wanted to share some thoughts on this, and maybe provoke some helpful questions for you.
Our values systems, the way we think/speak, and our worldviews are often heavily intertwined with our careers. For many of us, being a therapist expands our perspective and allows us to think differently - more openly, compassionately, logically, etc. It can positively impact our relationships with ourselves and others. And it brings social issues to our attention in more tangible, meaningful ways. It’s hard not to be changed by this line of work - usually (hopefully) for the better. I can see how it would be important to honor that, and make space for it in your daily life.
Like many, I started out thinking that being a therapist was going to be who I was forever. I imagined myself devouring psychology books, citing articles in conversations, and happily doing intensely difficult work that wore me down - because hey, at least I got to help people. But no matter how hard I tried, my humanness prevailed. I needed breaks. I needed individuality. I needed freedom, or money, or peace… all things that were in short supply with the way I was operating. So rather than fighting it, I worked to shift my perspective. Now, I still enjoy my job and derive meaning and purpose from it. But I also made more room for myself, both in and out of sessions. And I created some boundaries between who I am and what I do, which helped relieve pressure on both sides.
Honestly, I like the separation. I need it. The times where my job and myself were blurred together, were some of the most exhausting and overwhelming years of my life. If your job and yourself are one, it puts a lot of pressure and expectations on both of those things. When it’s good, it’s good. On the days when it’s rewarding and fulfilling, it can feel like an awesome sense of purpose to have your identity tied to such an important role. But on the not-so-good days, this can backfire. If you have a bad day as a therapist, you feel like a bad person. And if you have a bad day as a person, you feel like a bad therapist. It’s a vicious cycle that can be hard to escape.
I use the phrase “human first, therapist second” when describing my approach to my career. I was a person long before I was a therapist, and I will continue to be a person regardless of whether I’m still a therapist or not. It may seem like a weird reframe, but it’s simply how I retain my personhood in a career that tends to consume us. I still stay up to date on the field, and when I’m at work, I’m at work. I still make efforts to conduct myself appropriately in public and online. I’ve still been changed in countless meaningful ways by my job. AND, I also try not to think about myself as a therapist 24/7. I know that I am, and that is enough.
Hot takes: I often don’t want to speak on issues “as a therapist” when asked to do so (unless I’m really passionate about it, or in the right head space). I don’t want to read books about trauma or the brain in my spare time. I don’t want to get into Facebook arguments with other therapists about ethics. I’m not really interested in consultation groups, or therapist book clubs, or “networking”. No, in my off time, I just want to be me. I want to be a flawed, sometimes messy human being with creative hobbies, relationships, and guilty pleasures. I want to be happy. I want to be lazy. I want to talk about the universe, or a dumb reality show, or art. I want quiet time alone, or connection with my spouse. I want to draw, watch TV, play video games, or go outside. And while I’m doing all that, I don’t want to think of myself as A Therapist. Outside the office, I’m just… Amber.
I’m not suggesting that those things aren’t possible to do if being a therapist is ‘who you are’. But for some of us (myself included), we simply need more separation between the two to find peace. For others, they find comfort in their identity as a therapist. Both approaches are completely okay, and do not prevent you from being a good therapist - or a good human.
Thank you for supporting the Authentic Therapist’s Guide! For more offerings and resources, check out the links below:
Online Courses (on self-care, pursuing a therapy career, private practice & more)
Coupon/Discount Codes (Psych Today; IvyPay)
Discounted Supervision/Consultation (Motivo)
Counselor Coaching (for burnout, private practice support, and more)